Ask the Steamer?

Dear Steamer -As most of your players have "out-kicked your coverage" (have wives or girlfriends way more attractive than you) - I was wondering if you have any advice for romancing the ladies?

Thanks - Johnny Snifflebomb - Frottage, LA

Hey Johnny - We have a level of "game" that is almost impossible to teach.  When you add that to a measurable level of hockey skill - watch out!  Most importantly, if you ever meet a lady like the one in the video below - take a knee and propose immediately!

XOXOX - The Steam

Ask the STEAMER?

Dear Steamer -
You are loaded with hockey braniacs, and you know that helmets were mandated into the NHL for players starting in 1979.  Do you think the league should, and ever will, go to mandatory visors? 

Thanks - Gord Johannson - Moose Knuckle, Sakatchewan

Gord -

Thanks for the high praise.  We remember Craig MacTavish being the last player to play without a helmet - and after a while it seemed weird.  We get the "toughness" angle in the NHL, but if players want to, they can take off their helmet to shed the visor (see: Iginla, Jerome).  It can also be argued that Bryan Berard's injury still may have occurred with a shield.  But really, visors should be mandatory in the NHL - there is too much at stake.

Stay safe out there Gord!

- The Steamer 

PS - Happy belated B-day to Big Bizzzzness

Ask the STEAMER?

Dearest Steamer -

It is clear from this fine blog that the Steamer roster is loaded with relationship experts. I have been in sort of a dry-spell. Pursuant to guy code, I will not share the length of the dry spell and throw that karma on others.

I kicked around the thought of the Mark Grace calling card - some slump busters. There are a bunch at our post-game bar. But the more I thought about it I was thinking: on-line dating.

How does that idea sound to The Steamer?

Sincerely, Stanley Anhydrous

** We will have our dating expert, Bocephus, answer this one.

Stan - Yes, jump forward my man. It's sort of like a goal drought where you are "gripping the stick" - so to speak. You need to start firing and up your game. Get out there and work it!

One piece of advice - doing your application is important - please see below......

Later - B

Ask the STEAMER?

Dear Steamer,

I have two very serious questions based on the tantric expertise of your team:

A) Why do women fake orgasms?

B) Does size matter?

Thanks in advance!

- Vincent Bing, Balls Taint University - Muncie, Indiana

Well Vincent, we are here to help:

A) Who cares! Hey-oh!

Just kidding, the members of Steamer agree that women fake it because they can not handle any more of the ecstasy and are worried about spontaneous combustion. Since it is lasting too long, they try to have it end sooner - sort of like running time in the 3rd period.

Since we want to help you out to be able to discern, here are the 4 types of female orgasms:

1) The negative orgasm: "Oh no, oh no!"

2) The positive orgasm: "oh yes, oh yes!"

3) The religious orgasm: "Oh god, oh god!"

4) The fake orgasm: "oh Vincent, oh Vincent!" Hey-oh!

B) No.

Ask the STEAMER?

This informative segment is back.........

Dear Steamer:

I think I am losing my faith in the NHL. It is fading quicker than Sammy Sosa'a skin. Speaking of that steroid-laden ESL legend, will the NHL continue progressing towards that same crappy level as baseball. Please tell me it isn't so!

- Michael George, Essex UK

Steamer will let two of its most faith-instilling members answer this question - presenting: Pharaoh Pod and Father Bizz.

Michael -

Keep the faith, my man. While Major League Baseball does suck, remember MLB is not all of baseball. Similarly, the NHL is not really the essence of hockey.

Last year while watching Hockey Night in Canada After Hours, I watched them interview perennial choker Joe Thornton at the HP Pavilion. There was a beer league game on the ice in the back-ground. Scott Oake referenced the game and asked JT if he was familiar with the beer league. Of course he was going to say no, but he did it so condescendingly I was annoyed. It was clear at that point that he just doesn't get it. He has been a pampered prima donna for so long he has forgotten the roots of the game and how important the fans are to the sport. He is like so many pro athletes of today.

Similarly, last year several of the stick companies stopped making wooden sticks and bemoaned the NHL players not buying and using wood anymore. This was another example of trying to placate the "traditionalists" in hockey, the ones who can't see the forest through the trees (maybe its because of the extra trees?). A couple of points: 1) How many NHL players buy their sticks? I am guessing around 0%. Any chance that they give them to NHL players for that free advertising? 2) Is it hurting their profit margin selling all those $100+ composites to youth players? I think not.

There are turd-burglars running the NHL, and a lot of the players are losing their perspective. I guess the point of this rant is do not let the professionals taint your view of sports. You can love hockey for so many other reasons.

Peace out - PP and FB

Ask the STEAMER?

Dear Steamer -

I was wondering if this group of Red Wings is more likeable? You know that turd Chelios barely plays, LaPointe and McCarty are gone, Maltby has stopped molesting collies, and they are loaded with Euros. I feel like I should not hate them. Please give me some advice.

Kindest Regards - Dick Shrivel - Chicago, Illinois

Dick -

Shake yourself and stop being a sniff! You should always hate the Red Wings. The fact that they have rid themselves of fighters for that sissy Mr. Rodgers angle is even more irritating. Keep the faith and go Penguins!

A little help from a model American, Bill Guerin, is below!

-- Toe Socks, Steamer Staff

Ask the STEAMER?

Dear Steamer -
It is clear to me from this BLOG that not only is your staff loaded with hockey knowledge, you are relationship experts. So, I need some advice. I have a new girlfriend who isn't a hockey fan. She begrudgingly agrees to watch the games, but thinks I should wine and dine her first. Any suggestions? - Richard Certaine

Richard - This is an easy one. She is not looking for an expensive, romantic dinner. She just wants you to bring home some food before the next game. My advice is to go to Quizno's and grab an item of their new popular menu (pictured below).
Grab that last item on the top half of the menu. Then go home and say "Honey, let's take care of this 'big kahuna tuna torpedo' before we watch some hockey!"
What is that noise we hear? Wedding bells!

Ask the STEAMER?

Yes, our popular new feature taking the Internet by storm - "Ask the Steamer!"

Q: Dear Steamer - I think your team is so hot. Further, I can not help but be amazed by the chemistry and artistry you guys display on the ice. How do you put it all together?

- Candi Trampenstein - Port St. Lucie, FLA

A: Candi - thank you for your kind words, and that is a great question. Well, we are here to inform and make our fans happy. I think if you watch the video below, you will be both!

- The Steamer Staff

A new service - Ask The Steamer!

As you know we have a plethora of inquisitive soles among our massive international viewership. These fans of ours have come to realize that we really are experts in several categories - things like guy stuff, drinking, abbreviated intercourse, hockey, and other crucial issues.

So as our staff has been getting inundated with fan mail and questions calling on our intellect and savvy, we have decided to open up a new feature called "Ask the Steamer!" At least monthly, we will have Blog staff (like the ones pictured) answer questions from our devoted readers. So without further delay......

Dear Steamer -

My favorite team, the Atlanta Thrashers, did not make the playoffs again this year. So, who should I root for in the playoffs?

Monty Von Gobble, Hot-lanta, GA

Monty -

This question is so obvious it almost shocks the senses. But since you are from what is arguably the worst sports city in the USA, we will help you! Please follow this link and watch all 3 videos and all of your questions should be answered!

Go Bruins! - Steamer Blog Staff